vision board

October 6th: Ruination Day

So. It’s been exactly one year since I came home expecting a nice hot bath and found my ceiling on my goddamn floor. That turned out to be the high point of the last 366 days (Leap year! One bonus extra day of misery!); at least we were giddy and insane with grief at that point. The ensuing incompetence, maliciousness, and random bad luck that followed aged and embittered us enough to fill therapists pockets for years to come. But it’s been a year. The acceptable period of grief is over. The unfortunate legal battles and insurance bullshit is not, but there comes a point where we either get sucked under by it or we move on with our lives.

But I am still sad. And unmotivated. I have terrible first world problems like hating our house. Every little detail from the reno represents some sort of loud discussion compromise or hasty decision we had to make. We keep trying to divert our attention to fun things, but you can only go to so many amusement parks before you figure out that amusement parks are creepy and contribute to malaise. My hobbies are emotional eating and insomnia. Basically, I am in a giant rut. And this time I don’t have any cow bones or a spirited little partner to help me out of it.

But the time for that is over too. I need a goddamn plan. Although I mostly feel like laying down most of the day, I am tired of feeling that way. Being the proactive beast I am, I drank a bottle of a very small quantity of wine for inspiration (and perhaps a whole lot of a teeny amount of Balvenie Double Wood.. heh, insert adolescent sex joke here) and concocted one.

A Rollergiraffe’s 7 Point Plan for the Future

1. Get a damn job. I need to use my brain again and earn some money. This is likely going to be in the industry I worked in pre-kids, without the benefit of the last four years of training, networking and general career trajectory. And I would have to go to interviews which make me sweat and self-deprecate. I am still a little traumatized from getting laid off by voicemail from my last job, and I have no filters left that will allow me to function in an office setting. I might try to give my co-workers time outs when they disagree with me. Ok, so this might not work out in a hurry.

2. Do charity work. In the absence of a paying job, I should be giving back to the community. I am pretty sure I have a lot to offer in this regard, with my environmental experience and all. Right? It doesn’t matter that the only journal I read in the last four years is US Weekly, right? People are dying for celebrity news, aren’t they? And I would need to pay for child care to do charity work which .. or I could do it in the evenings, right? After the kids go to bed and the house is somewhat restored from the garbage dump look we’ve adopted through the day? Ok, so this one’s out too for now.

3. Exact revenge on the contractor fuckstick weasel who wrecked our house and tried to ruin our lives. This one is just a fantasy. He’s already sitting on a heap of debt, both karmic and financial. And I am an adult who is able to control their emotions (totally not true except for the legal adult part). Plus, I am way too lazy to do a good job, so I’d just basically annoy him a little and then end up on Canada’s Stupidest Criminals, if such a show exists.

4. Become a domestic goddess. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nope.

5. I am still laughing over the domestic goddess thing. Mount Washmore is so goddamn high, you guys.

6. Spend time preparing for the zombie apocalypse. I am on Love and Lunchmeat’s Zombie apocalypse team (even if I can’t figure out how to put badges on my blog. Fuckballs, I am hopeless at the internets), so I am sure this would be a worthwhile endeavor. If it’s not the zombies, it’s going to be something. Except all that canning I did totally went to waste and my shoulder is ruined from carrying twins around all day so I am not sure improving my marksmanship is really a good idea. And every time I think about the apocalypse I think about The Road, and I am not sure at this point in my life I would be the one who filled the bathtub when the loud noises were heard. My survival instinct is kind of dull right now, is what I am saying.

I was only ever good at shooting quarters anyway.

7. Have another baby. Because less sleep is totally the answer.

So obviously I have no plan. Tell me, gentle readers, have you ever been stuck in a rut before? How did you get out? Do you think I should keep my hair short? Why does Mitt Romney want to fire Big Bird? What is your favourite snack? Why isn’t anyone talking about the Higgs Boson anymore? Is it because they accidentally made themselves a big black hole? Answer any of these questions below in the comments.

P.S. If you read the Ringmistress’ blog, Laments and Lullabies, a 35 year old having a mid-life crisis will sound disturbingly familiar to you. I totally drunken plagiarized her, and then apologized, but she laughed at me and told me to post it anyway because she’s amazing that way. And lots of other ways too.

Future-me

Chris Biscuits was ruminating on his blog whether his future-me would be a prat and it reminded me that future-me is my favourite Friday Night thought experiment. We ask: what are we going to be up to in 2040? And then we keep drinking beer until we get a satisfactory answer.

One of my friends periodically sends this around to remind us where we’ll be in a couple of decades.

That’s me, rockin’ the peach jumpsuit. I hope. I don’t want to be the other lady in the tights. And I definitely don’t want to be that dude.

Strangely, we are in America. Which either means that you have universal health care by then (because I don’t plan on being in good shape at all) or you’ve taken us over. Or we take you over and keep your flag because it’s jazzier than ours. Or we’re on an inspiring holiday. Whatever it is, I look forward to meeting that gentleman in the snazzy top.

I even made a pinterest page to illustrate future-me, but as with most pinterest projects it is only half done and does not accurately reflect what I wanted it to. So I am going to hash it out here for you all.

Introducing Future-Rollergiraffe

Exhausted from my years of tireless land conservation activism, single-handedly reversing anthropogenic climate change, and selling jam at farmer’s markets, future me is retired and living the good life.

Look at all that frigging canning. My family never ate any of it; I should have started on the market thing already.

I wear a lot of hats in by then. If history is any lesson, it’s because I steal them from the mother of the groom at weddings, but hopefully in the future I am sensible enough to purchase them for myself.

This is nearly an exact replica of a hat I stole at a wedding. Don’t worry, I gave it back. (KCS Hats)

I am quite fond of hammocks, but I currently live in a climate where it would be suicide to use one for about 8 months of the year. The other four months it is just extremely uncomfortable. So I want to purchase this hammock, but more importantly I want to purchase the front porch it hangs on. With cabana boys.

Glorious tropical loveliness. I am ignoring the fact that there would be giant spiders everywhere. (from hammocks.com)

In the future, this cake will be presented to me on my birthday every year. By the cabana boys.

Look, it even has my name on it! (from cakewrecks.com)

Current me co-owns bees, but future me owns a whole menagerie on a biodynamic farm. No, scratch that, my biodynamic winery. On my private island. Future me really knows how to live.

This is more or less how I roll (from marineecotours.com)

And I will still get around everywhere on my Pashley, because it is the bestest bike that ever was made in the history of bikes and I will be buried with it.

I expect both me and the pashley to be a lot more banged up by then.

Future me is also pretty unapologetic about dancing in the front row at jazz festivals, has a morning writing ritual, and does yoga every day. I am pretty goddamn awesome in the future.

I should add that current me is an unemployed house wife with a basement full of expired canning. But I feel hopeful. What does your future-me look like?