nostalgia

The Halloween Candy Giving Guide

There are generally five food groups of High Fructose Corn Syrup solids at Halloween. For a successful holiday, you should carry a well-rounded supply for different audiences. They are categorized as follows:

Traditional

My shameful Nestle Canadian chocolate. This will not appear familiar to you in America.

This includes your good, classic chocolate bars, chips, and such. May include Tootsie rolls depending on whether you think they’re a form of torture or not. These are your go-to candy and will be the ones that will mysteriously be deemed unacceptable for consumption during parental candy checks but not thrown in the garbage. If giving these at Halloween, make sure they land in the bags of other parents you like. Super extra bonus points for full-sized chocolate bars.

New-fangled

Pomegranate pop-rocks. This is the best I could do. I am never going to find my way into the hip mom category.

This category includes any product that appeared after 1989, which is when I retired from trick or treating at a very advanced age. By that point I was just stocking up on PMS supplies.

New-fangled candies are an acquired taste, and often hit or miss. They might be organic or fair trade. They’re definitely anything that’s got pomegranate or acai berry flavour. Give them to your cool new neighbor that you’re trying to impress with your hipness. Their kid will be dressed in a homemade Etsy owl costume made of hand washed felt and their mom is trailing around behind them in her Toms live tweeting their Halloween adventure for charity. YOU WANT TO BE HER.

Disappointing

Or you could make fake teeth out of them next year.

Caramilks. Jersey Milks. Dairy Milks. Anything with “milks” in the title. Candy corn. Most nondescript hard candy. These will float to the bottom of the pillowcase and be consumed in the desperate weeks before Easter. Give those to the kids who don’t try very hard. They shouldn’t be rewarded for lack of enthusiasm.

Punishment

No explanation required.

Raisins.

And toothbrushes. Reserved for small children whose parents won’t let them eat candy. Hell, just give those kids a $20 bill on the down low. They’re suffering.

Nostalgic, but Possibly unethical

Shade of pink not even found in Pantone.

This is mostly reserved for unruly teenagers and those damn kids who keep hanging around on your lawn. It is nostalgic because they stopped making it because it tastes gross. And might be slightly radioactive. It is definitely made with lead or something.

You risk getting your house egged though, so you’re going to need one of those nondescript goody bags to hide it in and hope they forget which house it came from. Maybe write the wrong address on the bag as a decoy. Maybe write the address of that shitty neighbor who keeps you up all night with the yappy dog and fireworks. I am not admitting that this might happen.

Center is possibly toxic when it comes in contact with sunlight.

Note: If you run out of the New-Fangled category you can always fall back on the nostalgia factor of this category to impress your cool new neighbors.

Where does your favourite candy fit in on the Halloween Candy Pyramid? Do you still hand out Unicef pennies?