Dear The Huffington Post

I recently perused your article Christmas Gifts for Mom: 15 Items that Won’t Break the Bank. It featured an adorable photo of a young child holding her forehead to her mother, along with not 15, but 116 inexpensive items that mom would enjoy! I would like to thank you for including #84 in your  list, along with the disclaimer to “open in private”. The PleasurePillar Wonderland would be welcome in any mom’s stocking this holiday season. I am glad to see you have a progressive and enlightened attitude toward women’s sexual health, but I agree it’s a bit delicate to open in front of family on Christmas morning. I also appreciate the economy and singular focus on finding something uniquely for mom in place of the typical vacuum cleaner or “fitness aids” I have been gifted over recent years. I am sure you’ll receive many thank you letters on Boxing Day from happy moms everywhere.

This is not one of those letters.

Perhaps, HuffPo (I hope I can call you that) I can provide a gentle critique and suggest that your list was egregiously mistitled and should not be listed as a gift for moms of any sort. You see, this led to an uncomfortable situation where I was perusing this list with my two four year olds and now they want to buy a PleasurePillar by Wonderland for Grandma. They have no clue as to it’s purpose, but they liked the bright colour and amusing shape, and despite my desperate attempt at clicking away from the image faster than the speed of light, they feel that it would be the thing that Grandma would enjoy most this holiday season. Even more than the dinosaur planter (#49) that I tried to direct them towards, or virtually any other fucking thing in the universe.

Not the PleasurePillar, but a future resident of my desk if everything goes my way at Christmas (thehappyplanter on Etsy)

I tried to rely on the Memento like memory of four year olds to erase the idea from their minds to no avail. This morning, my son asked what store we were going to go to in order to purchase “THE BLUE THING FOR GRANDMA.” I am not sure, HuffPo, if it is appropriate for my son to give an item that will not be legal for him to purchase for another 14 years. After all, you don’t see many delightful hand printed and glittered bottles of bourbon at Christmas, do you? Hopefully he’ll be progressed enough in his sexual education by then to be deeply uncomfortable about buying such a thing for Grandma. I hope he wants to poke out his own ear drums and bleach his eyeballs at the mere suggestion. If he does, I know I will have done my job at instilling appropriate boundaries. I think boundaries are important, don’t you, HuffPo?

With warmest regards for a pleasure filled holiday season,

Hopeful Receiver of a Dinosaur Planter and in Desperate Need of a Lobotomy

31 comments

  1. Ho ho ho..hee hee hee. Oh, Jen, you deserve that dinosaur planter and more. Much more. Perhaps the Blue Thing…at least your kids have forgotten the name already. That’s in your favor. You should seriously deliver this letter to HuffPo.

    1. I am grateful I had the presence of mind not to read it out loud. Although me slamming my laptop shut probably alerted them to the fact that this was a Really Good Gift that I was trying to hide from them.

  2. I’m still laughing imagining the boys yelling about buying THE BLUE THING FOR GRANDMA. But please be sure to catalog this so that when they’re teenagers, you can tell them all about how they wanted to buy their grandmother a sex toy, preferably in front of their first girlfriend, or their buddies. PAYBACK IS A BITCH.

  3. Perfect little memories our children have when we would like them to forget. But ask them where their shoes are….or what did you do at school today…blank stares.

    I always like it when we are watching Peppa Pig or Charlie and Lola on YouTube and my daughter clicks on the wrong next video. Its Charlie and Lola on heroine! FRIGHTENING!

    1. Youtube is the most frightening place for parents, but awesome and educational for children. Mine have learned plenty from unsupervised youtube selections. Like “Why are those cougars hugging?” and “What’s meth?”

  4. Oh, thank you for making me laugh today. I was screamed at by my teenage son because the bus was late and it was cold outside. Not only did you make me laugh (and Speaker 7 with the snack box), but you reminded me of the time I actually DID shop for a marital aid for my mom. The things I’ve done…

    1. Teenagers are delightful, aren’t they? I suggest payback by printing this list and circling #84 with a big red star and leaving it out whenever his friends can see it.
      And please, do write a blog post about shopping for this for your mom. I think the world needs to see this. My experience was a mere brush with the inappropriate!

        1. Oh, duh. 84 is the blue thing. Since teen has discovered mom and dad’s toys, I think I can out him, too. I did write about walking in on him spanking the monkey, so what’s a post on dildos?

  5. I take it that you’ve had zero luck directing the attention of your curious small fry toward the “Moose Mug Can Cooler Koozie” (#81)? But I suppose if they got that for Grandma, the can-filled cozy might bounce off your head. Maybe the Open In Private present is the way to go.

  6. That’s the most amazing story I’ve heard all week. The evil devil in me wants to know what would happen if you just let it all play out. You could write a story about it, and HuffPo would probably publish that, too!

  7. HI rollegiraffe –
    new to your fabulous blog, but I had to read the list. And I’m totally confused. what the fuck.
    1. # 85 the letter A? I’ll bet there are 25 more JUST LIKE IT. Wow!
    2. # 86 Coke spoons?
    3. # 63 Dogs can be annoying, but no one should have removed Fido’s sad face and made a purse out of it.
    4. # 35 “The Girl who Stood up for Education and Was Shot by the Talaban” might just be a little too festive
    5. # 28 looks like it’s for dad. Like it would jump start his nut sack.
    5. Has Canada taken over the world? Or just the Huff Po?

    dig your blog. rock on!

    1. Welcome! Always very happy to see new faces here. I had many of the same mystifying thoughts about this list. However, I am desperate to take anyone’s advice about what to buy for my hard to shop for mother, so at least if I picked something here I would be blameless.

      I hope Canada has no plans for world domination. It just really sounds like a lot of effort. The Huffington Post people were kind enough to give us our own page which is mostly filled with Tim Horton’s coupons and recipes for moose (hint, they all have maple syrup in them)

      1. Tim Horton! We don’t have any of those here! I must travel to Canada to have coffee at Tim Horton’s! Does he hear a Who?

        Canadian world domination! Sounds like WordPress!

        I am thrilled to be blogged by you, rollergiraffe! And now that I have found you, I will never, ever let you go (stalkerish, sorry). Follow!!

        1. I believe Tim Hortons is starting the slow march south. It’s basically Canadian Dunkin Donuts. He was a hockey hero or some such jazz, and frankly I am surprised he’s not on our $20 bill.

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