Snowy Sunday Misadventures

It looks like this outside this morning.

Image

Stop focusing on the fact that my Christmas lights are still up and look at all that stupid snow.

That is some major bullshit. To some of you southerners this might appear like the end of times, but up here in Canadaland we just call this “March”. It’s Sunday so people will still go to church if they’re really dedicated, but less people will go shopping and we shall collectively roll our eyes and generally endure.

So anyway, that’s happening today. I may have over-imbibed a bit with the neighbors last night and my kids have the sniffles so I was really looking forward to a movie day. Maybe some baking. If things got wild, I’d make popcorn. You know, really earth shattering type stuff. But nothing that would require me to put my winter jacket on because I am totally done with that fucking thing. I am really serious about that.

You can imagine how delighted I was to wake up to the following conversation:

Engineer: Mommy, get the gray thing out of my mouth.

Mommy: (launching self out of bed) WHAT? What grey thing? What did you eat?

Engineer: The grey thing. From playgroup.

Mommy: (stabbing at eyes to make eyes work before remembering to put on my glasses) WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

Engineer: (Points at desk)

I surveyed my desk. Grey things include: paperclips, staples, tacks, money, BATTERIES. No grey things that seemed like a good idea to eat. Maybe I am not being imaginative enough, but I can’t think of any grey things that seem like a good idea to eat. (Google says buckwheat noodles. I’ll give them that.)

Mommy: (In shrill, shrieking voice) Where is the grey thing?

Engineer: In my tummy.

And so in a flurry of coats and hats and boots and car seats, we found ourselves at the Children’s Hospital before breakfast. Not to cast aspersions on our local Children’s Hospital, because they are wonderful people who have given us excellent care over the years, but they were NOT AS PANICKED AS I WANTED THEM TO BE. In fact, they barely registered any alarm at all. They directed us to the waiting room where we sat next to the poster full of “Actual Items Swallowed by Children”. The actual items were glued to the poster and included things like buttons, pennies, small toys, a safety pin, magnets a KNITTING NEEDLE. Not one of those little crochet hooks, either; this needle could have been a bonafide weapon.  I am not shitting you. This informative poster did nothing to make me feel better.

There was virtually no waiting time because not many children were committed to self harm on a Sunday morning, so it was us and a few pukers. The Engineer informed the doctor that a grey thing was in his tummy and he wanted a picture of it, so off we went to x-ray. By the time we got to the x-ray, I was kind of didn’t know what to wish for. I kind of suspected that this could all be a lie, and here I was calling his bluff by shooting him with radiation. I had only a couple of seconds to ponder the risks of either proposition though, and decided on the balance it was better to find out what he ate.

The Engineer was a superstar about it and laid as still as he has ever laid for five seconds at a time. And we learned just a few minutes later that the kid was completely full of crap. Literally and figuratively. But no dangerously sharp, life threatening metal objects that were going to poison him and shred his insides, as I had naturally assumed.

Then we braved the blowing snow and crappy roads home. I am sure that the worst part for the Engineer was the twenty minute lecture, borne out of complete gratitude that he was totally fine and this was just a misadventure. Now we can get started on doing absolutely nothing today.

Winter 2013 063

Resume regular programming. MORE OF THIS TODAY, CHILDREN.

 

21 comments

  1. Thank God it was nothing, Jen! Whew! I would have immediately thought battery or magnet, something horrible. What kind of poster is that to have up at ER? And, your weather…oh so sorry! I won’t even tell you what my weather is today. Enjoy snuggling up in a warm blanket!

    1. There was all kinds of informative posters there, like a complete breakdown of injury types by trampoline and toboggan. I wanted to ask them to install a layer of bubble wrap around the children.
      Ah, the weather.. the only bright side is that …. there is no bright side. I was trying, but I couldn’t come up with one.

  2. Glad it turned out all right. What a way to start your morning! I guess that’s something to be grateful for about my teenagers–at least they don’t swallow non-food items anymore. ;)

    1. I suppose that’s true; although I have found that kids find new and inventive ways to induce worry all the time. It feels like I am constantly on suicide watch some days.

  3. RG, I’m so glad it was nothing. And I’m with you on that cold and snow thing. We don’t have anything like what you have but yesterday it was spitting some snow and I was thinking, OH PLEASE NO. Your Sunday sounds much like mine — movies and popcorn. This, to me, is wonderful. Hope the snow melts soon!

    1. Thank you Brigitte! I am glad you’re having a lazy Sunday too; sometimes that’s exactly what is needed. Our snow will probably be gone by the end of the week; these March storms don’t usually last very long.

  4. On the bright side, you don’t have to worry about your blood not running or your heart slowing down in the cold with adventures like that!
    No?
    Yeah, sorry. That’s all I’ve got.
    Except to say that it snowed here last night, and melted by morning.

    1. Keeping up with my three year olds is the best cardio that I could ever hope for. Sigh, I was hoping that this storm wouldn’t be as serious as predicted, but I have a drift in my yard that is up to my waist already. I am glad that you’re snow free today though! It gives me hope.

  5. Sorry for all the excitement, Jen. So much for a restful Sunday. At least you live in a place where they plow the roads, as do I. I grew up in Atlanta and people would literally get stupid when it snowed – like 1/4 inch. No one went anywhere, schools closed and the ones who did get out would inevitably get in an accident. And I’m glad the Engineer’s okay.
    Have some popcorn for me.
    Cathy

    1. I have a deep longing for a place where 1/4 inch of snow is cause for alarm right now. I am sure I would similarly be panicked in the event of a hurricane or something, whereas most southerners could probably prep with their eyes closed. This storm got a little carried away and is drifted up to 3 ft in my yard. Annoying, but not all that unusual for March.

      1. We had big drifts last weekend with the wind. I had a cornice in my front yard! And I did not set foot out of the house last Sunday. The good news is, the March snows tend to melt faster with warmer temps. Hope yours does soon.

        1. That is a lot of snow, Cathy! I know the skiers are quite thrilled with the spring dumps, but I think avalanche conditions are also really bad out there, so it’s just not fun for anyone.

  6. First off – I’m kinda jealous of your snow -not of driving in it…
    Secondly – I’m GLAD IT WAS NOTHING!
    Thirdly – this is definitely a story from a country with national health care…. If we’d have gone – it would have been an entire day with a co-pay and some more bills later!

    Did you make me any popcorn? I’m just wondering. Glad to see you back in action, er NON-Action as this case may be.

    1. I will pack up my snow immediately and send it your way. We’ve had more or less constant snow since October (with some nice sunny chinook breaks this last month, but still) and I. AM. DONE.
      Although I am generally in love with the idea of universal health care, ERs are often all day affairs. However, I would never take for granted the fact that we get excellent medical care without having to face a bill when we leave. Thank you, Tommy Douglas!

  7. Glad it was nothing and — sorry to say it — glad that you have the snow and not us. I do empathize though with having to go out into the snow with the Engineer. What a way to start a Sunday. Those posters in the ER sound wicked. Too bad kids who need them can’t quite read them yet.

    1. I would be forever grateful to the genius who came up with an impulse control device for preschoolers. They have aged me a thousand years already and those posters noted a sharp spike in injuries from ages 5-9, so there’s more to come.
      I am not glad that I have the snow instead of you, but I guess we can take one for the team or something.

  8. Wow, it looks like a million feet of snow has blanketed Calgary, RG. Did the Engineer dream he ate “the grey thing”? I was thinking that he may have swallowed a key. For some insane reason when I was around his age I swallowed a handful of pennies, but my grandmother just gave me a few whacks on the back until I coughed them all up. I never utilized my guts to store small change ever again. I’m glad it turned out to be nothing going on with him. Too bad your weather is such a big bowl of something.

    1. I believe every child puts an object in some facial orifice at some point in their development; I am glad yours was quickly solved by a quick thinking grandmother. A friend noted that she had a Barbie shirt stuck up her nose for so long it started to smell bad and the doctors could not figure out why she was complaining.
      And yes, the weather was the shits today. There is at least twice as much snow now as was in that picture, so I hope the medical emergencies are kept to a minimum until it melts, lest I need a horse drawn sleigh.

    1. Welcome, The Cutter! I am glad you survived the pencil incident. If I recall, there was also a pencil on the poster, so you’re not alone. Doctors and old people will tell you “that’s how children learn” but what they mean is “children would not survive to adulthood without supervision.”

  9. You need to remember these things for when you’re elderly. Then you can call him with fake emergency medical issues that require him to panic and come over to take you to the hospital ASAP, and then just before you set foot in the hospital, you can “remember” that it was only a dream or something. You owe him that. Big time.

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